10.27.2008

The First Snowfall

Snow.

It’s only sodding October and it’s already snowing here in the greater Chicagoland area. It started yesterday afternoon, stopped for a full day’s time, then started up again this afternoon. I had the distinct privilege of being able to watch it from my office window well (that’s right–my office’s glorious window view of the world outside is in a window well). Half of the walls in my office are ordinary drywall, the other two are concrete slabs. These two walls, obviously, provide no insulation, so my office is constantly a refrigerator. I really can’t wait until winter fully sets in and the temperature drops to 10 and 20 degrees below zero. I’m almost ashamed to invite people in for chats as it is – I set up meetings in hallways and bathrooms now.

It’s strange–in the movies, snow is always utilized more or less as romantic imagery. It serves as a perfect backdrop to romance and Christmas and romantic Christmas movies. The boy and girl embrace each other and kiss tenderly and a single snowflake gently lands on her eyelash. The two look up to see a barrage of snowflakes, cascading from the sky, and a bunch of kids run out of a colonial-style house into the frontyard and yell, with delight, “It’s snowing! It’s snowing!” and they all celebrate the first wintry snowfall.

In real life, it’s rarely ever like this.

The first snowfall of the year is usually on a cold day in October or November, when the skies are overcast with dark, grey clouds–billowing and ominous–and the wind whips violently (and directly) against your face, making it nearly impossible to breathe. The snow is usually a mixture of rain and ice and it slaps your cheeks like a drunk, angry wife. People that are fated to have to be outside during it pull their jackets up around their necks and half-gallop, half-stride across the parking lot, hoping to escape the cruel unrest swirling around them without looking like too much of a fool in front of their business associates (appearance–even in times of great peril–is everything in the professional sphere).

The first snowfall is miserable and depressing.

And today, I was allowed the opportunity to peer over the tops of the piles of paperwork that clutter my desk and watch the first snowfall from my office at the bottom of the window well.

10.24.2008

I'm Voting Republican Because...

A friend at work emailed me a satire entitled “I’m voting Democrat because…”. It was a letter to the editor in some newspaper in Des Plaines, Illinois (at least that’s where this writer is from).

The letter, which I’m assuming was meant to be a real jab at Democrats everywhere, did nothing more than rile me up. It was poorly written, poorly researched, and housed poorly formed arguments (some of the entries actually are good reasons to vote Democrat!). I took into my own hands to humbly and respectfully submit a rebuttal entitled “I’m voting Republican because…”

My rebuttals begin with "I'm voting Republican because..."

Enjoy!




I’m voting Democrat because like most Americans I trust lawyers more than anyone else; I think only lawyers should run the government, and all the Democrat Leaders are lawyers: Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, John Edwards, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senate Leader Harry Reid, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, a nd John Kerry, to name just a few. (Al Gore dropped out of Law School, so I don’t trust him as much, except on Global Warming.)

I’m voting Republican because, like most Americans, I trust professional wrestlers, bodybuilders, pro sports teams owners, billionaires, and oil barons. I think only they should be running the country: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Bush, Jesse Ventura, and Dick Cheney, just to name a few.

I’m voting Democrat because the Democrats support the trial lawyers and I think this country needs more lawsuits and less tort reform. And I don’t believe the trial lawyers’ contributions have a thing to do with it.

I’m voting Republican because the Republicans support arms-traders and I think this country needs more terrorist threats in the world and more money to line our leaders’ pockets.

I’m voting Democrat because Congress has done such a wonderful job under Democrat leadership the last two years, that I want a lot more of the same.

I’m voting Republican because the country has been such a wonderful place to be under Republican leadership for the past eight years, that I want more of the same.

I’m voting Democrat because I want to get my health care from the same competent, efficient, cost-effective, customer-service-focused folks who run the US Post Office, the Pentagon, FEMA and the state Registry of Motor Vehicles

I’m voting Republican because I want my health care to be so unaffordable, that I have to work until the day I die. It doesn’t bother me, though—my hard-earned dollars that I give to pharmaceutical companies are, in turn, going to the pharmaceutical lobbyists that support the Republicans I’m voting for by funding their campaigns!

I’m voting Democrat because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I’m voting Republican because I understand the responsibilities of being a law-abiding, arms bearer. It’s just a shame that my friends don’t want to go hunting with me anymore after just one tiny, insignificant incident! Perhaps the crack addicts, drug lords, disgruntled students with mental issues and gang leaders will join me at the sportsman’s club with their .45s!

I’m voting Democrat because Sen. Obama has promised to cut the taxes of 95% of the people, including the 30% who don’t pay taxes.

I’m voting Republican because Republicans consistently give tax breaks to the wealthier upper class. I’m glad money is being saved by those who really need it.

I’m voting Democrat because Sen. Obama has promised to take away the secret ballot in union elections, and I think the union bosses should know if a workingman or woman is with them, or against them.

I’m voting Republican because I think that laborers can’t handle the responsibilities of just one vote in a unionization ballot. I think there should be at least two votes and the second should be totally secret! I also believe that employers should be allowed the opportunity to pressure their employees into voting against unionizing. How should blue-collar dimwits be trusted to make an educated decision like that the first time around if not for their bosses’ direct influence?

I’m voting Democrat because Sen. Obama has over three years experience in the Federal Government, and “Hope” is a great strategy.

I’m voting Republican because Sen. McCain has over one hundred years experience in the Federal Government and “Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke” is my personal philosophy.

I’m voting Democrat because Sen. Obama voted “present” instead of “yes” or “no” over 120 times in the Illinois State Senate, and I think we need a decisive president.

I’m voting Republican because Sen. McCain has voted in favor of nearly all of President Bush’s legislation, and I think we need an extension—nay, a continuation—of the Bush administration.

I’m voting Democrat because I think that drilling for American oil is foolish, when we can buy from the Middle East.

I’m voting Republican because I think that we should drill for American oil. Screw the caribou! Besides, it takes way too much time and effort to come up with a better solution for our dependence on fossil fuels! Don’t think through it—just do it!

I’m voting Democrat because I think windmills (except off Hyannis) are a better answer to reliable, clean energy than Nuclear Energy.

I’m voting Republican because I think “nucular” energy is the most reliable and clean form of energy that has been explored so far. Sure, the uranium that is required to generate “nucular” energy is a non-renewable resource, but so are fossil fuels! I’m sure that once we’ve used up all the uranium, we’ll find some other resource to use up. Maybe in Alaska! Screw the caribou!

I’m voting Democrat because I don’t think we give enough to other countries in foreign aid.

I’m voting Republican because I don’t think we borrow enough loans from foreign countries.

I’m voting Democrat because I’m for putting up barriers to free trade, as they did in 1930 with the Smoot-Hawley bill. That made things much better then.

I’m voting Republican because I’m for putting up barriers to fair trade. How will America retain her place as the world’s most (and, eventually, only) progressive economic giant if other countries are allowed to compete?

I’m voting Democrat because I miss the high unemployment, inflation and interest rates of the Jimmy Carter years.

I’m voting Republican because I’ll miss the high unemployment, inflation and interest rates of the George W. Bush years. It was so easy to get approved for a mortgage in those days! You didn’t even HAVE to be employed!

I’m voting Democrat because parents shouldn’t get to choose the school their kids go to. Parents should leave their children’s education to the teachers and stay out of it.

I’m voting Republican because parents should be allowed to choose the school their kids will go to, despite the need for enrollment in public schools. Who cares if schools in districts I disapprove of get shut down because of the severe cutbacks prompted by my party? My kid will be the pride of the Catholic high school football team! Besides, the government could use the money that public school teachers make to cut down the federal deficit!

I’m voting Democrat because I think this is the perfect time to raise the Capital Gains tax and drive investment money out of the stock market.

I’m voting Republican because I think this is the perfect time to keep the Capital Gains tax exactly where it is until 2011 and continually bail out greedy billionaires by pouring money into the Stock Market.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t.

I’m voting Republican because I believe the oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene. They should be making much, much more than that! Oh, look at that: my stock in Haliburton just went up.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would, and I want to spread my wealth around to those who earn less—or nothing.

I’m voting Republican because I believe I will do a better job of spending the money I earn than the government would. I promise I won’t ask questions when the civil services my community depends on (like the police department, fire department, the hospital, the schools, the city employees, the state employees, etc, etc) start disappearing. The Hummer I just bought for my sixteen year old son is more than capable of handling all the potholes that will start appearing all over the roads when there are no city employees to repair them!

Oh, what’s that? My son will have to go somewhere else to get his driver’s license because the DMV was shut down? Hm… That’s fine—we’ll be able to afford a solution for that problem too.

I’m voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I’m voting Republican because freedom of speech is fine, as is my freedom to cover my ears and say, “La la la la la! I’m not listening! La la la la la la la la la!”

I’m voting Democrat because, when we pull out of Iraq, I trust that the bad guys will stop what they’re doing because they now think we’re good people.

I’m voting Republican because I think it’s okay to supply arms and military intelligence to terrorists. Also, we should stay in Iraq as long as we possibly can. It’s God’s will for us to sacrifice as many American soldiers as is necessary—Muslim extremists will eventually change their ways. Right?

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don’t start driving a Prius.

I’m voting Republican because I don’t care about the energy crisis. Besides, all the scientists, geologists, ecologists, biologists, marine biologists, and geographers in the world all agree that the amount of damage we’ve already done is irreversible anyway! “Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die!”

I’m voting Democrat because I’m not concerned about restoring partial birth abortions so long as we keep all death row murderers alive.

I’m voting Republican because even though I tell the evangelical demographic that I’m pro-life, I have no real solution to ending abortion than to sign a bill into law. Sure, I know that abortion laws won’t stop abortions, but coming up with alternative solutions requires too much thinkin’! I’ll let the Democrats think of a way to make the adoption process easier, or to get federal support into the hands of underprivileged families and single/teenage mothers, or to make education more affordable and of higher quality. My Republican leaders will end up shortchanging the families and mothers and eventually slashing the funding for public schools anyway, so what does it matter?

I’m voting Republican because family values are what are important to me. But please don’t tell anyone about that little incident in the airport bathroom, okay?

I’m voting Republican because everyone on death row belongs there and I have no doubt that none of them were wrongfully accused.

I’m voting Democrat because I believe that small businesses should not be allowed to make a profit. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution to people who didn’t start businesses.

I’m voting Republican because I believe that small businesses, contractors, and entrepreneurs should be squashed by big business.

I’m voting Republicans because I believe we need to get the money out of the hands of greedy people and into the pockets of greedy bankers!

I’m voting Democrat because I believe the law is what judges say it is, and not what legislators say — or the Constitution.

I’m voting Republican because I believe the law is whatever George W. Bush says it is and not what those who are learned in political science say. Only HE can infringe on the Constitution and make up his own laws.

I’m voting Democrat because the media would call me a racist if I didn’t.

I’m voting Republican because Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, and “Papa Bear” would call me un-American and/or a supporter of terrorists if I didn’t.