Though I feel alone...

Day three in Evanston.

Loneliness is really starting to set in. Last night was really bad. I'm dealing with a lot of stress and this loneliness is only adding to the stress. While Aaron was in class, I sat in our courtyard, smoked my last cigarette, prayed to God for peace, and wept. I cried and cried and cried. It felt awful too—some cries feel good, and are cathartic. But this cry was not at all like that.

It was bitter, and desperate, and not at all relieving. If anything, I felt worse afterwords.

When I prayed, though, I immediately felt the Holy Spirit sit down next to me; He wrapped His warm arms around me and gently affirmed that I am not alone.

I am not alone. I am not alone. I am not alone.

"Though I feel alone, I am never alone. Though I feel alone, I am never alone for You are with me."

I miss Joshua—a lot more than I originally thought I was going to. As familiar as he was to me, he was my escape. I could run away from everything and know that he was going to be there more often than not. He is my best friend. My brother in almost every sense of the word. If I ever get married, he's going to be my best man. It's really difficult coming to terms with the idea—the fact—that I won't be able to see him every day, and sit on the porch, smoking cigarettes, and discussing the topic of the day. All of that is gone now.

I miss my brother, Joshua.

I miss Genny and Sara, Suzy and Chelsea, Ian and Elizabeth, Dan and Marlene, Jay and Noelle... I miss a lot of the people in Bourbonnais. I don't miss the town itself, but I miss some of the people in it. People that genuinely liked me. It's so hard to find people who genuinely like me and want me to be around them. I'm so used to people not giving a shit about me. Then I meet a bunch of people who like me, and enjoy being around me. And then I left them all behind. I love that I can keep in touch with them and that they all want me to maintain our relationships. I'm very blessed to have these kind of people in my life. Very blessed. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed.

Though I feel alone, I am never alone for You are with me.