Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I've been fooling myself for the past six months. Maybe Megan isn't "the one" -- whatever that means. However, I just cannot imagine God putting the most wonderful woman in my life just to have my heart broken... again. As Tom always tells me, "It is not God's will for your heart to be dashed against the rocks."
Maybe everyone else was right. Maybe I should have paid more mind to red flags when they presented themselves. Maybe I was blinded by love. But maybe there was no love at all -- maybe I just wanted to be in a relationship so badly, I was willing to sacrifice my relational needs just to call someone "my girlfriend." Maybe she just wanted a safety net that she could fall into when she was done living out her dreams of independence.
Maybe we really did love each other. I think I truly loved her, anyway.
Maybe THIS meant to be. Maybe this is just the next stumbling block to overcome. Maybe this will only make THIS stronger. Maybe God's going to give us the strength to meet each others' needs. Maybe He's going to give us the opportunities to do so.
But maybe He won't.
Maybe this was meant to be...
Maybe I don't want to move on, because maybe I'm afraid of being burned by a woman once again. Maybe it really is time for me to give up trying to find my significant other. Maybe I'm supposed to be the next Paul -- devoting my life to my ministry. Maybe I'm just one of those people that love isn't meant for. Maybe, rather than finding my significance in a significant other, it's time for me to find my significance in God, and draw closer to Him.
But maybe Joshua Harris and all those pastors who say, "Rather than desiring romantic love, you should be desiring more of GOD'S love" are wrong -- maybe it's okay to feel alone. Maybe it's okay to pine for a mate. Maybe I'm the next Adam and, even though I commune with God daily in the Garden of Eden, I still feel helplessly alone (Genesis 2:18-20).
Maybe another woman will come along and I will fall in love with her at first sight. Maybe SHE'S the one! Maybe she and I will get married and sing together and travel to Ireland to plant churches and lead worship and have children and grow old together.
Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe my friends and family and pastor are right when they tell me, "These things just take time." Maybe I'll "move on." Maybe I'll "get over her."
Maybe this isn't. And maybe they aren't. And maybe I won't. Maybe Father Time isn't the great healer that I thought he was.
But maybe nobody else will come alone, because she was it. And maybe she's already moving on with her life and I missed the boat. Maybe, after all, it really is over.
Maybe God will change her heart. Maybe she will change her mind. Maybe we will change our plans. Maybe, in the words of Paul McCartney, "every little thing is going to turn right in the end."
Maybe, one day, I will fall asleep with her next to me. Maybe I will reach over in the night and brush her hair from her face and kiss her forehead while she's sleeping. Maybe I will wrap my arms around her, instead of the pillow I currently clutch. Maybe passion will fill our nights and her kisses will replace the tears that are streaming down my cheeks now. Even the taste of her lips, in future kisses, will always be sweeter than the whiskey I hide under my mattress now. Maybe, in the future, I will get intoxicated after drinking deep her champagne eyes all night.
Probably not. But...
Maybe.
Shameless Self-Promotion
12 years ago
So much truth in here. So much heartache, sadness, and wishes. Perhaps God doesn't want our heart to ache, but without sorrows, how to do know joy? Or what we want and need in a mate? We MUST have opposition in the world, or else...this would be Heaven (or something like it). It isn't God's will, but neither is rape, murder, kidnappings, molestation, etc.
ReplyDeleteI fully believe that NO ONE can talk someone out of loving another, no matter what red flags are present. You have to live your life and do what you feel is right, or regret follows the rest of your life.
Maybe you should cut yourself some slack and breathe in and out. And remind yourself that you have a long life to to live (as long as you cut out those disgusting cigarettes) and that this, too, shall pass.
Hey DrewMoo,
ReplyDeleteSorry, it's been a while since I've been in touch with the world. I think every one of us struggles with our maybe babies every now and then, but my resolution has been to put the maybes from my mind by focusing on the truths that I know. I know I can believe in the present - that every decision I've made up until this point has led me to this point. I can regret some decisions I've made all I want, but the fact of the matter is that I'm here now, and all I can do is be happy with that. The more confidence you have in yourself and the decisions you make, the fewer maybes there will be. That's what the search is all about - it's about finding that "someone" who believes in your convictions as much as you do. I believe you'll find someone, or that they will find you, because of all you wrote here. Hang in there. :)
-Minneapolis
Oh drew. Someone told me months ago that god will bless our way if it's his will for our lives. The statement really stuck with me. I know what you're feeling and I cannot make it better but I can say over time it passes. You WILL meet other people and perhaps God has someone in store for you that is even more than you could have ever imagined. I don't personally believe in the ONE. I believe God gives us the wisdom to choose a partner based off the scriptures and guidance he gives us.
ReplyDeleteFrom my experience now is the time for you to pour yourself into other endeavors and not focus so intently on finding a mate. It will happen at the RIGHT time with the RIGHT person. Until then continue to work on Drew: your faith, writing, music, etc. You need to be at peace with yourself and happy alone before you will be happy with another.
I think too often people pour themselves so much into a relationship, they lose who they are. You should be complete without someone in your life. Culture has viciously taught us otherwise. I was actually having a conversation with my pastor about this on Wednesday.
Peace will come my friend. Love you! You'll be in my prayers as always.